Approval

Friends, believe it or not, my cousin Cathy and I are very different.  Or we used to be.  Even when we were kids, Cathy couldn't have cared less what other people thought about her.  I, on the other hand, was always highly sensitive to what others thought of me -- or what I thought they thought -- and I let this influence choices I made for many, many (many) years.

I'm not a regretful person but I do wish I had been more confident earlier on and done what I wanted from an earlier age.  Of course Cathy's choices  have sometimes gotten her in trouble.  She refused to believe that sticking her hand down a mailbox to retrieve a letter was in violation of the law and hence just served four months for mail fraud.  Why she was retrieving the letter is another story.

I bring this up for a couple of reasons.  My mother came for a visit the other day, which, like so many other visits, was preceded by a general de-dragging of the apartment: put away the dress projects, hide the jewelry, etc.  But this time, after the success of Cathy's Broadway outing I decided that it was time to introduce my mother to Cathy.  You may be wondering how my mother could be in the dark about my own cousin, but suspend disbelief for a moment.



Now I had shown my mother Cathy's first outing in her little black dress a long time ago, and she seemed faintly amused, but since then I hadn't mentioned it again and she hadn't asked (which is SO my family).  This time I told her the whole story about how I got the Priscilla tickets and what an exciting night we had.  She seemed to "get it" and asked a few questions like, where did I get the stole?  Now mind you, my mother is over eighty, and this kind of thing is a little beyond her comfort zone.  Of course, she LOVES Michael -- with whom she shares interests in opera and mysteries and crossword puzzles and houseplants and cooking -- so the fact that he was in the photos made the whole thing more legitimate for her.

But I did feel proud of myself for being upfront about the whole thing; I'm too old -- and way too lazy -- to go about cleaning the house every time she comes to visit.  And what am I protecting her from -- or am I protecting myself from her potential disapproval?  Shaming was a big part of my childhood experience.

My latest article in BurdaStyle is about why men don't sew, and one of the reasons I listed was the fear of being stigmatized for pursuing a "feminine" activity -- which home sewing unarguably is in the United States.  And some of the comments attested to this fact.  It just made me feel more strongly than ever the importance of being yourself and not investing your energy in others' approval.  Life isn't short exactly, but it's not long enough to waste years not doing the things you really love because you fear the judgment of others.  I spent decades doing this -- learn from my example!
 

In closing, friends, are there things you'd like to do where the only thing blocking you is fear of how other people might respond?  I've learned that when you're doing something -- anything -- with full authenticity, it's exciting for everybody.  I can count on one finger the number of times Cathy has received a negative response.

The great thing about doing what you love is that it creates a shift: it starts with one thing, and the vitality and sense of affirmation is so great, that you then take on another thing and another and before you know it you are living a life that's truly consistent with who you are.  It's inspiring.  Have you ever tried to hold one of those huge inflatable beach balls under water?  That's the amount of energy it takes to hold yourself back, to keep a part of you down. When you release that, suddenly life is easier and all that energy you had dedicated to self-repression is now free for self-expression -- and joy!

Can you think of one little thing you've been reluctant and/or scared to do for fear others won't approve?  Take a little time this week and do it.  Better than any vitamin pill, it will energize you and get those creative juices flowing.  You'll like yourself better too.

What would you really like to do -- if you had the guts?

Read More

Straight Skirt for Mom: a Holiday Drama

Mothers.  What can you say?

I don't even remember the genesis of this skirt project exactly.  Did I offer to make it for my Mom (Sonia to you) or did she ask first?  Who knows and at this point who cares?  Somehow it was at the top of my sewing queue; I knew I had to have it completed by early December so my mother could wear it to a friend's grandson's bar mitzvah, to which (she claimed) she absolutely positively could not wear pants.

About a week ago we'd bought the fabric -- a nice quality black poly crepe and matching acetate lining -- and yesterday I dedicated most of the morning and early afternoon to making a muslin for my mother to try on when she came down to our apartment later in the day, from where we'd cab it to relatives in the East Village who host Thanksgiving every year.

I drafted the skirt myself using Dorothy Moore's Pattern Drafting and Dressmaking book.  I know some of you own this book and some of you don't think it's so great, but I like it and find it easy to work with.  I like that you only add the seam allowances when you cut your fabric, like a Burda pattern.





I used a pink cotton-poly sheet for my muslin, and it all came together easily.



It has four darts in front, four darts in back, and a kick pleat.



Still without waistband or side zip...



Around 3:15 pm, my Mom arrived.  She tried on the muslin (top photo) and it looked good.  No major changes needed.  Then she tells me that the bar mitzvah is Saturday -- this Saturday.  She must have told me earlier and like so many things she says, I just tuned it out.

She was spending the night and leaving the next morning (i.e., today).  So in the hour before we had to leave for our holiday dinner, I hustled, cutting the black crepe and getting as far along in the project as I could.  Needless to say I attended Thanksgiving unshaven.

By the time we left, it looked like this:



 

Obviously some pressing of darts is needed (and it's still in two pieces), but not bad for a rushed hour's work.  I'd forgotten how shifty poly crepe is; it's a much more difficult fabric to sew with than a cotton-poly sheet.  It's also hard to mark for things like darts.  I used tailor's chalk and did the best I could.  Only after I'd drawn the darts on the front panel did I realize that the fabric has a right and wrong side and I'd drawn the darts on the right (which is to say, wrong) side.  So I had to wipe them off and draw them again.

I hate hasty sewing. 

But it would all prove unnecessary, friends!

Long story short: it became increasingly clear throughout the evening that my mother didn't want to go to this event in the first place but didn't know how to get out of it.  Her knee has been bothering her more of late and she's going to have to have a knee replacement, but she didn't want to offend a close friend.  Michael and I convinced her to do what she needed to do for herself and that, given that the event was her friend's grandson's bar mitzvah and she didn't even know the grandson, she wasn't going to ruin anybody's afternoon by not showing up.

Using her best phoning-in-sick-to-work voice (odd, since the excuse was a bum knee and not bronchitis, but an old habit) she did what she had to do and freed herself from an obligation. 

So after I'd hustled with the poly crepe and rescheduled my mother's ride home today to give me more time to complete the skirt, lining, zipper, etc., I now no longer have to make the skirt by Saturday.  And I don't intend to.

An awful lot of drama for less than a yard of poly crepe, no?

Readers, two questions:

1) Do you think women have a harder time extricating themselves from unwanted obligations than men?  I mean, Michael and I were both like, If you don't want to go, don't go!  This seemed like a foreign concept to her. (Then again, here I was, stuck making a skirt for my mother...) 

2) Would I have had an easier time cutting my fabric and sewing my darts if I'd used wool crepe instead of poly?  I'd actually looked at black wool crepe in the store, but it was thin and cheap looking.

That's it -- easy.

Hope those celebrating holidays are enjoying them and didn't overeat last night.  As for the rest of you: do you ever sew for your parents?  Is it a pleasure, a pain, or a little of both?

Have a great day, everybody!

Read More

Shopping with Mom at Lord & Taylor

Readers, do you like department stores?

I practically grew up in them.  When I was a kid, we generally went to Gimbels -- well known as Macy's closest competitor (remember Miracle on 34th Street?) and now defunct.  Then when I was older, in the mid-Seventies, the place to go was Bloomingdales.  I'd meet friends at Bloomingdales, eat frozen yogurt at Bloomingdales, shoplift at Bloomingdales -- it really was like no other store in the world.  

As an adult, I rarely go to department stores.  I bought some wine glasses in Macy's a few years ago (it's nearby) and a jacket at Barney's Co-op.  And that's about it.  Most people I know also avoid department stores: they're too big, the service is lousy, and the merchandise is meh -- the same stuff you see everywhere.

My mother, however, still likes department stores.  There are plenty of bathrooms, places to eat, elevators, and lots of other people there just like her.



Yesterday she asked if I'd meet her at Lord & Taylor, where she had to return something and shop for dressy pants to wear to my brother's wedding in a few weeks (I know, I know).  She'd already bought and returned a slew of stuff at their Eastchester branch, where a friend takes her by car.  My mother, whose name is Sonia, doesn't go for glitz and it's not easy for her to find something she likes that fits and flatters.  She also won't spend a lot and prefers T.J. Maxx.

Since 2006, Lord & Taylor, which was founded in 1826, has been owned by NRDC Equity Partners, LLC, which also owns the Canadian chain Hudson's Bay Trading Company.  Lord & Taylor had been owned by May Company (since 1986) which was then purchased by Federated (which owns Macy's & Bloomingdales), in 2005.  Got that?  NRDC has poured millions into upgrading the flagship store, apparently with some success.

It's hard for me to judge the results since Lord & Taylor is not somewhere I shop.  It certainly looks clean and bright, and it got quite busy.



My mother wears an 8 Petite, so we spent most of our time on the 6th floor, Petites, where there's also a casual coffee cafe operated by Sarabeth's (a little pricey but good).



The merchandise?  Well, to me it's the same brands you see everywhere:  Jones New York. Michael Kors, DKNY, Calvin Klein, and their own brand, Kate Hill.  Everything is made in China, Vietnam; don't "look for the union label" -- you won't find it.

If you want a skirt, say, you can't just go to the skirt section.  You have to look at every individual brand area and see what they're showing.  It's not very efficient to put it mildly.

Quality seemed OK, and prices mainly under $100 for separates.  Not high but not low either.   To me it looked a lot like what you'd see at Loehmann's -- and a lot of the stuff will probably end up there soon.
 



A lot of loose, casual styles in dressy fabrics.



And a fair amount of glitz.





Lots on sale.



The salespeople, who were extremely pleasant, are little more than cashiers.  Nobody's on the floor helping you find anything, though if you ask, they'll try to steer you in the right direction.  There is one attendant in the dressing room who hangs up clothes and returns them to the racks.  It's just like H&M.

The pricing is confusing.  They were having some big 25% off sale on most things, and then many people had coupons for an additional 15% off.  Some things were already marked down, and customers were often confused about how much things cost or whether they were getting all the markdowns they were entitled to.  The poor salespeople seemed a little confused as well.

Don't have the coupon?  No worries: they'll give you the coupon at the cash register!  (So what's the point?)
 

And if you're exhausted from shopping you can purchase a Godiva chocolate bar at the cash register!  It's like the supermarket.

My mother found a pair of Calvin Klein satin-y dress pants she liked well enough, and asked me to make her a skirt, which she'll need for a friend's grandson's bar mitzvah in late November.

Next we headed down to the shoe department.  It was mobbed.



And messy.



They have a large selection but not much for an eighty-year-old with mobility issues.  Almost everything was on sale and almost everything is made in China.





Jessica Simpson was well represented but my mother didn't think she fit the demographic.  They also offer brands like Kate Spade (for $300 plus). 





Overwhelmed by the chaos, we headed down to the ground floor and the Clinique counter, where my mother wanted to buy some make up for the wedding.  My mother doesn't wear foundation or powder or anything, just mascara and lipstick, and she generally wears Almay.

Elayne, the Clinique rep, was extremely helpful, getting a low folding chair for my Mom to sit on since no way could Sonia climb atop one of those ultra-modern bar stools with two pins in her hip and a bad knee.  Elayne found her a suitable concealer and foundation, and didn't push the rouge.
 











Just the concealer and foundation cost nearly $50 -- but she did get a free gift with purchase!

After a quick bite nearby, my mother decided to poke into another shoe store, a chain whose low-rent name I won't mention but you know it.  She found a simple black shoe with a comfort sole and a little height for less than $25.  Sold!





And that was our day of shopping.  I'm exhausted, aren't you?

Friends, do you still shop at department stores?  What do you like about them?  What don't you like?  Can you generally find what you're looking for? 

Are you totally over them, but will pop in from time to time to use the bathroom?

What's your favorite department store, if you have one?

Would you like to take Sonia shopping some time?

Jump in!
 

Read More

Mom Style

Good morning Gothic Lolita fans and others!  Friends, today I want to talk about another provocative and potentially explosive topic: Mom style.

I spent yesterday with my own Mom, for a drive outside the city to see the fall foliage and to visit a farmers market.  It was a lovely day, albeit a bit on the windy side.



I awoke this morning to read that a favorite TV Mom, actress Barbara Billingsley, had died at the age of 94.

Was there ever a Mom as perfectly coiffed and pulled together as Leave it to Beaver's June Cleaver? 

If you answered yes, you're probably thinking of Jane Wyatt on Father Knows Best.  

What was it about Fifties Moms that made them so easy to poke fun at?  Was it because they were soft-spoken, subservient, and always flawless in a sheath dress and pearls?  Or because they never held a job or yelled.

There were so many stylish Moms back then, from ghoulish-but-glamorous STAHM Lily Munster to sweet and sunny Donna Reed.

By the late-Sixties times were a-changin' and TV Moms were allowed a little more leeway -- but just a little.  Moms were now widows (but never divorcees) raising children alone.  Remember all those Whose life is harder episodes where the girls do the boys chores and vice-versa, or some reference is made to -- mercy! -- Women's Lib?

TV paid lip service to feminism, but Carol Brady, Shirley Partridge, and Doris Martin were always slim, perky, and stylish, and had lots of free time to spend with their kids.

By the late Seventies, America was ready to surrender the perfect Mom ideal.

Florida Evans had her hands full raising three kids in a Chicago housing project on Good Times.  Actress Esther Rolle made Florida a real person and the lack of glamour was a welcome nod to reality.

Ann Romano seemed very real and truly liberated.  But I always found One Day at a Time a little depressing, maybe because it felt a little too much like my life.

Marion Ross on Happy Days evoked the Fifties ideal, but Marion was more Seventies Mom in vintage clothes, a whole lot hipper and more outspoken than June Cleaver.

By the Nineties, we could no longer deny that Moms were often stressed-out, financially strapped, overweight, and strong.  And they screamed a lot.  Roseanne was a true game-changer and TV Moms were never the same.

We've pretty much been in meta-Mom territory ever since.  It seems we can no longer buy the idealized TV-Mom thing. So we get cartoon parody Moms like Peg Bundy and Marge Simpson.

Wise readers, is there any important Mom I've missed?

Which of these Moms was your Mom most like (if any)?  Were the Moms on TV only impossible ideals that made your life (or your Mom) seem miserable and dowdy by comparison?

If you are a Mom, do you model yourself after any of these women, either style-wise or in your approach to parenting? 

Do they have anything to teach us? 

Happy Sunday everybody!

Read More